KID PRACTICES 'YOU TALKIN' TO ME?' IN MIRROR FOR 2 HOURS

Jesse Percival, 17, is a huge Robert DeNiro fan, and he thinks he finally has it down after reciting that famous line from the movie Taxi Driver over and over again for two hours Tuesday afternoon. With plenty of practice under his belt he feels ready to ward off any foe, be they secret service agents or bullies.

"I think I just needed more practice." Says Percival, holding a bag of frozen peas to his eye. "I don't think he really bought it. I just didn't looked unstable enough you know? Like 'Oh shit, this guy's a little crazy. Maybe I don't wanna fuck with him...' but he called my bluff and punched me in the face."

Percival is referring to Marty Spinks, a senior who is a notorious bully. A lumbering brute with a mop of unkempt blond hair, heinous acne and wretched breath-he is as unpopular with the ladies as he is with those he torments. -And unfortunately for those people, the suffering of his shortcomings is their cross to bear.

"Yesterday in the lunch line he cut me, like he does everyday." Said Percival. The situation would have gone without incident until Spinks added insult to injury by farting on Percival's sloppy Joe. "I was either going to barf or cry. So I said to him 'You talking to me?'" Spinks responded "What? I didn't say anything." Percival repeated "Are you talking to me?" Then Spinks punched Percival in the eye.

As part of the school's zero-tolerance for violence policy, both youths were suspended. So while at home for the day, Percival thought he should take advantage of that time by practicing his defense in hopes that tomorrow's beating will be thwarted.

"I really feel like I'm channeling DeNiro's character when I do it. Now that I've mastered it, Spinks isn't even going to know what hit him."

LIFEBEAT SPECIAL: ONLINE DATING

For all those languid lovelorn souls- terrified at the prospect of an inevitably bleak and dismal future not unlike your present, and cascading into the ever-after alone, your cries are but a single bit in an abysmal cyberscape, seemingly devoid of any love or meaning.

Starved for human contact, men clutch their desperation, nose picking, double clicking -while women juggle their three remaining eggs in a frenetic free-for-all of filtered flirtation.

Its sickening, and treacherous. Such Internet dating mediums have become a phenomena, forging a rich and vibrant lexicon of unmitigated bullshit...and traversing them often leaves users disillusioned victims to these intrinsic perils.

So before you go casting your hopes at the glimmering inking of possibility in your all-but-squashed imagination, first understand how to read between the lines because knowing how to translate euphemistic language can be critical.


Click on images to enhance.

THE SAUR TRUTH

The answers are in, finally. Now we can all rest easier, knowing exactly what actually happened to the dinosaurs. It turns out they didn’t go extinct after all. They also must have been much more advanced then previously thought.

We now have irrefutable evidence that dinosaurs are actually alive and thriving, just not in today’s world. Apparently after studying ancient hieroglyphics left on Mayan temples that pre-date humans by millions of years, scientist find that many of these ancient temples were actually built by dinosaurs. Also we can credit the discovery of fire and the use of tools to these magnificent creatures as well.

“It all just makes sense” Dr. Protopuss explained. “ After watching the hit tv show Dinosaurs, we began to put two and two together. Doing these simple math problems really gets the creative juices going…. I mean the scientific process…not creative, that doesn’t even make sense. Science is facts…FACTS!!!”

After a few more minutes of babblings, Dr. Protopuss finally divulged the great discovery. Apparently, an asteroid struck earth millions of years ago. Luckily, the dinosaurs were able to escape using Star Gate technology millions of years into the future. The entire dinosaur history can be viewed via a pop-up scroll written for their young found at a site in the Dead Seas.

How come we are just finding out about this now? “Well many of the people in power have known the truth for some time and have covered it up. Being that it is the nature of human beings, we just took credit for all of the dinosaur’s discoveries and silenced all those who would have told the truth.” Dr. Protopuss than when on to say. “According to the calculations left on the walls and scrolls, the Dinosaurs traveled to the year 2012 A.D.. We should be meeting up with them pretty soon, and I think they may not be too happy with what they find." Copyright infringement anyone? J.B.

PALIN WEIGHS OPTIONS: PRESIDENTIAL BID VS. PLAYBOY SPREAD

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin is weighing options at a pivotal juncture in her career, asking herself if she should harness the momentum of her enigmatic popularity and make a bid for the presidency in 2012, or go for broke and cash in on her 'looks' while she still has them, and fulfill her girlhood dream of posing nude in Playboy magazine.

"It would be pretty bitchin' to be the first woman president, but it seems like a lot of work...which is kind of a bummer. I used to think I was only pretty enough for Babes & Ammo, Gash, or Alaskan Beaver magazines, but publishers are telling me that I have a window of opportunity to be Playboy material, but it is quickly vanishing." says Palin.

Palin recently became a contributor on Fox 'news' channel, a role that seems to suit her well, she claims. Political analysts agree, stating that "Viewers just want a non-offensive visage to regurgitate right-wing propaganda talking points..." but Palin sees herself in a larger light, and thinks her tits have some mileage left in them yet.

"My daughter is also considering it too" says Palin "...not the minor or the 'tard baby, that's demented. I mean my oldest one, the slut. If we were to pose together, it would mean at least 2 million, but I'm concerned she will upstage me...however, I am told they can do amazing things with airbrushing and photo shop these days."

Her husband is opposed to the idea, saying that he does not like the idea of other men ogling nude photos of his wife and daughter and is not willing to compromise for anything less than $3 million. When asked for comment on the matter he stated "I want a new snowmobile. Fully loaded, with the hand warmers."

Palin explains her dilemma "I earned the nickname 'Sarah Barracuda' back in college, because I blew so many guys they said I was always making a sucking face like a fish, but my campaign manager was able to parlay that name recognition into a mechanism of popularity."

"I went from being a weather bunny to the governor of Alaska. I mean, it wasn't hard to dupe those rubes, but when McCain's people contacted me about being tapped for VP, I was like, 'No way!'. That pervy old fart is a Viagra induced heart attack away from me becoming the leader of the free world? My husband and I both agreed, we need to milk this cow."

"At the same time I think, Jesus Christ, if I have to sit through another interview with that cunt Katie Couric, I swear I'm gonna claw that bitch. Ugh. It's a hell of a lot easier to just take my shirt off."

Palin is still on the fence though, admitting that "...the problem with going rogue, is that you don't always know where you're going exactly."

MAN ACHIEVES ENLIGHTENMENT; STOPS TAKING LIFE SERIOUSLY

Fouty-five year old Greg Doolin experienced a revelation Tuesday afternoon after getting caught in a 45 minute traffic jam on the Thurbers Avenue curve near downtown Providence. Upon encountering the pile up, Doolin appraised the severity of the jam and realized it was too late to exit the highway and knew then, he would be stuck for an indefinite length of time. Doolin erupted in a flurry of obscenities, furiously pounding his steering wheel in a vein attempt to relieve his mounting rage, but only succeeded in making it worse.

"My kid has karate at 6, I need to get an oil change, and I haven't eaten. This fucking sucks. I have shit to do." Doolin said.

"I thought if I yelled and screamed enough I could change the situation, but I was wrong. Ironically though, while I'm in the middle of throwing this fit and banging on the dashboard, the glove box drops open and I see a joint just lying there. My teenage daughter Marissa must have left it in there by mistake when she borrowed the minivan last weekend. "

"With nothing else to do and not going anywhere, I decided to light it up. At first I didn't notice anything. Then this great song came on the radio and I started staring up at the clouds and realized what an amazingly beautiful day it was. I was still pretty eager to get home for supper but I figured the oil change could wait and I really didn't want to take Jimmy to karate tonight anyway."

"If it wasn't for that joint, I might still be taking things seriously right now. Eventually, the traffic jam cleared and I got home. Cheryl made these kick ass meatballs and I had like three plates. Later, Jimmy and I played video games all night, and then I got to bed early and got a great night's sleep."

Doolin attributes his new found serenity to his teenage daughter's forgetfulness, and after a shameless masquerade of parental hypocrisy, he confiscated the rest of Marissa's stash, claiming he was going to flush it down the toilet. However, after thirty minutes in the bathroom, Doolin forgot to flush and exited with a pleasant far-off look in his eye.

Doolin now sports a fresh perspective, a laid back attitude and says "I almost hope I hit traffic again tomorrow".

THIS PLASTIC TASTES LIKE FISH

Doesn’t McDonalds realize that the singing fish is made of plastic? Is this some kind of miscue in marketing or has McDonalds decided to come clean about their menu items? The Filet O Fish originated from the guts of a wall ornament that can be bought at Spencers,really? What’s next, Nerf footballs demanding the return of their hamburgers? I already new that most of the food at fast food restaurants is a product of chemical engineering. I just didn’t think that McDonalds would be so up front about the origins of their PRODUCTS . I guess they figure the cats out of the bag, and it’s just cheaper to manufacture a new one than to use a real one. Now I’m craving a Big Mac. JB

LIFE COACH COMMITS SUICIDE

Darren Prill, a professional life coach from Pawtucket, Rhode Island died Thursday of an apparent suicide.

Adam Toney, a former client of Prill's, reacted publicly this weekend, stating that he was shocked and saddened by the news.

"Darren was more than just someone who helped me through my day to day life, he was a great friend, a loving and caring person. It always seemed like everything came so easily to him, like he had the world figured out. I don't think I've ever seen him without a smile on his face."

"After I moved out of the whore house where I was born, Darren helped me get a job as a meter maid so I could afford to pay him, but then I was unable to continue working because I was too obese. Darren agreed to work pro bono, saying that he believed so much in me that I could just pay him later at only 15% interest. He helped me with everything, from handling my checkbook, to grocery shopping, and also spending money at the strip club. He helped me find an apartment and even moved in so he could coach me full time. He was truly devoted...but eventually, I got my life together and lost touch with Darren."

In a detailed suicide note, Prill cited the hardships of unemployment and homelessness after losing his first and only client, and that generating new business became increasingly difficult when also attempting to panhandle.

Prill was 41, and is survived by his former client Adam Toney.

EVERYONE MAD AT YOU FOR CATCHING COLD

Even with your neurotic hypochondria, your incessant hand sanitizing, your socially awkward 1.5 meter conversation barrier, and even your flu shot...you did it. You managed to catch a cold. Nice going asshole. Now everyone is mad at you, and rightfully so.

Go ahead, pump yourself full of every OTC expectorant in your medicine cabinet, buck up and head into work like the trooper you are. Face the barrage of remarks that are sure to improve your condition such as "You look terrible." and "You should have stayed home." not to mention common threats like "I swear to God, if you get me sick..."

OR, contrarily, play it safe and get the rest you need only to return to an abnormal excess of dirty looks and suspicious comments like "Enjoy your long weekend?" and "Somebody got the sniffles? Psst. Pussy."

"It ain't like I went to Wal Mart and purchased a cold." you said in your defense, but alas, your pleas for sympathy went ignored like so many congested groans, leaving you to lament in the failure of your immune system like some troglodytic leper.

Nature is cruel.

YOU SAW MY BLINKER BITCH.....OHH, NO YOU DIDN'T

I’m going to put this out there because I’m sick of seeing that grimace in my rear view mirror, your hands swinging about your car’s interior as you mouth all type of obscenities. Signaling your turns is for cowards and bitches. Not only does not signaling add a sense of mystery to how others perceive you. It also shows how cool you are in your total disregard for others’ safety.

Just in case no one else knows how important you are, this is like a quick jab to the nose using your brakes. Oops, Sreeeeeech! There’s my turn. Gets the blood pumping. I just brought some excitement to your mundane existence. That should be a Honk! Of appreciation, and my finger a salutatory gesture. I’m the best thing that’s going to happen to you all day.

Besides, it just to damn hard to hit that switch that is inconveniently placed in an area where my hands are supposed to be. Now if the signal was on my phone so I could hit it while I’m texting. Or if the switch were integrated into the center consol so I can hit in-between scratching my crotch and playing with the radio. I mean it’s all about ergonomics people. Listen, you can’t just design things and tell people how it should be used. You need to design them for how they WILL be used. It’s so easy; I mean like a turn should really surprise anyone, anyway. What else am I going to do? There aren’t many options are there folks? I’m either going straight or taking a turn. How does this surprise anyone? Unless I were to throw in a sudden reverse, that might even get me.

It comes down to me living my life carefree. It’s only natural that this mentality would carry over to every facet of my day-to-day routine. Hence split second decisions while commuting. I don’t like this lane, there’s something about it, just doesn’t feel right. A quick jerk of the wheel, some swerving traffic and they curse my taillights. That’s better, smooth driving from hear on out. Screeeeeech! Whoa, those exits really sneak up on you. J.B.

E.T. IS NEVER LEAVING HOME

New reports suggest that there is life on other planets. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like will be seeing them any time soon. Scientists had been working feverishly to translate a message seemingly sent from the black void of space. Yesterday, they succeeded in completing the message. “The Polygrotaric signal was actually a number of separate transmissions originating from a portion of space we had previously dismissed because of the lack of solar systems in the vicinity,” Explained Dr. Obeewan. “The first burst of information was basically a tap on the shoulder to get our attention focused in the right direction.”

Scientist were able to decipher the messages with hardly any difficulty do to assistance of the transmitters. Apparently the supposed extraterrestrials were able to create a “decoder ring” for scientists from messages we had been pumping out into space. If they new enough of our language to create a code, why didn’t they send their messages in a language we would understand right off the bat? Well, everyone on the planet picked up the signal we just didn’t know it. It consisted of minor light burst in portions of our own digital television signals. The reason it was not transmitted for all to understand is detailed in the coded Polygrotaric signal as well. “They feel as though are planet is full of morons,” Dr. Obeewan lamented. “Apparently we have been pumping are “reality television and entertainment news into the far reaches of space. The message is more of warning to cease and desist or face dire consequences.”

The extraterrestrials refereed to our transmissions as “Guanaty” excrement that was cluttering up there own communications. Also their youth had been showing adverse affects to the exposure “of so much drivel”. The youth have now been painting around their eye, and showing more and more tentacle. The last line of the message read like this. “If my little Squeezliard mentions, who Snooky’s sleeping with…or guess who’s dating who, one more time, your planet will be granulated and placed in interstellar soft drinks.” J.B.

TIGER WOODS DELIVERS SURPRISINGLY GHETTO PUBLIC APOLOGY

Professional golfer Tiger Woods made a public apology this morning, amid ongoing controversy surrounding purported infidelities. Woods sought to make amends with his family, clear his name and redeem marketability for multiple sponsorships that have either been terminated or suspended.

The conference was attended by a small group of hand picked reporters, who were not permitted to ask questions.

Woods entered the room, solemnly approached the podium and spoke. "I would like to thank everyone for coming today. Recently, it became public that I have not been faithful to my wife, even though she is a super-hot model. Also, it has been said that I have not been a good father to my children, even though they live in a mansion and their trust funds make more interest than the salaries of everyone in this room combined. So, I would like to take this opportunity to make something perfectly clear. I am Tiger Woods, and I fuck bitches. I fuck the most bitches. I will fuck any bitch I want, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves."

Reporters in the room looked on silently, mouths agape as Woods continued "All y'all motherfuckers be up in my shit, and I'm sayin' though, step off, for reals. You been warned. "

"Why you wanna sweat a nigga just 'cause he got mad dough. Bitch please. Y'all be like Tiger Woods isn't faithful, Tiger Woods is a bad father, Tiger Woods let his sponsors down...fuck that shit. That greedy bitch act like 'cause she my babies mama, she tell me where my dick go. Uh-uh. Nah. It ain't like that. T-Dubz brings it. Ya heard?"

"And yo, my babies? Them spoiled lil' shits don't even know the pain daddy 'll put on 'em. They be checkin themselves after I kncoks a golf club upside they heads. And my sponsors? Them motherfuckers be perpetratin'. Oh what? Motherfuckers gonna stop shavin' 'cause I got so much game? No one gonna need tennis shoes 'cause Tiger lies about runnin' hoes? People gonna stop using they cell phones 'cause Tiger Woods is a baller? Fuck that shit man. I just made they stock go up and they don't even know it. Motherfuckers can suck my dick."

"And all you media motherfuckers...y'alls is the worst. Be playin a nigga like y'all ain't catchin' ass on the side too, huh? Fake ass playa' hatin' motherfuckers."

"Yo. And to all you scandalous nasty-ass freaks with my name on your lips, ya playin' ya' self. Believe that. I'm a gets mine. Y'all bitches just be jealous 'cause I be tearin' it up like bam, bam, pow. [pelvic gyrations] That's how T-Dubz does it. I'm out."

Woods dropped the microphone and walked out of the room during a standing ovation.

STUDY PROVES 'BALD IS BEAUTIFUL' APPLIES ONLY TO PUBIC HAIR

A legion of follicly challenged scientists eager to prove the alliterated expression "Bald is Beautiful" were universally disappointed by their findings that bare skin was perceived as more appealing, exclusively in the pubic regions, while long luxurious locks atop the head are thought to reflect vibrancy and virility.

"We're all just devastated right now. This was our last chance. We knew it was going to be a long shot, but there was hope. Now there's nothing." muttered a languid Spencer Preston, who's team of bald scientists are struggling to grasp the crushing reality, and cope with the fact that they are no longer even remotely attractive to anyone, just hideous freaks.

This research concluded a series of studies that began about 7 years ago when the group first started to show signs of thinning hair. Investigations ranged from restorative mousse, follicle stimulating brushes, butt-hair transplants, denial, comb-overs, wigs, aerosol hair, magic markers, and even cognitive behavioral therapy. While the scientists have resisted acceptance of their condition for years, they are now forced to come to terms with finality of the situation.

Brazilian wax enthusiasts are finding a silver lining, however remain unsympathetic to the plight of destitute domes.

HANDSOME CELEBRITY PROBABLY INNOCENT

Actor Julius Delange, made famous from his roles in major blockbusters such as Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico, The White Knight, and Driving Missy Elliot, was arraigned on a litany of charges in L.A. county court Monday morning.

Delange was arrested on a series of crimes, the gravest of which include first degree murder, larceny of a B-class commercial grade animal, public indecency, and trespassing. In what is quickly shaping up to be the story of the year, the twisted tale is unraveling to reveal a perverse amalgam of criminal compulsions-allegations the actor is vehemently denying, claiming any such 'evidence'-most notably a video that recently cropped up on the internet graphically depicting these alleged acts-was merely research for an upcoming role in a film that has not yet been named, or written.

Adding to the evidence in this case is a blood soaked white linen suit, the same style lauded as Delange's trademark, connecting the dots to his arrest, where he was apprehended in the nude and covered in blood.

In spite of the mounting indefensible evidence against him, Delange and his attorney insist all articles claimed by the racist cops at the crime scene were just movie props.

Public reaction has invariably sided in support of Delange throughout the scandal, most postulating his innocence as absolute, and blaming the fiasco on a conspiracy to malign his reputation as a PETA spokesperson.

"I cant see why a good looking successful guy like Julius Delange would go get himself mixed up in all that for..." Said one fan.

"He fucked a what? Oh yeah, I heard about that...and that dead lady they found in the stable? That's messed up. Hahaha, I loved him in Driving Missy Elliot though, he really balanced her down-home folksy optimism with his urbane playboy attitude, now that's a dramaturgical dyad that can't lose...he would never do that, it's got to be a bogus tabloid." Said another fan.

Delange's attorney agreed in a statement made publicly after the arraignment. "My client is far to rich and good looking to be guilty of this crime, and anyone who disagrees is just gay." The trial date has been set for June 10th.

WITH ALLTHIS TIME ON OUR HANDS, IT'S HARD TO WIPE IT ALL OFF

The advent of newer and better technologies is making mundane tasks even easier to complete or are removing them from are daily routine all together. How will we spend all this new found freedom?

"I’m thinking about starting some intense training" Chuck Burns replied while fingering the depths of his belly button. "I’ve always wanted to kick ass. You know? I want to be that guy you don’t fuck with, I just haven’t had the time. I do now, so watch out." Are conversation halts as his order of super chili cheese fries and a large meat lovers calzone arrives, demanding all his attention. I try to get in a few more questions edge wise, but there is know getting through to a man in love with a mouth full of fat. He attacks his lunch with a tenacity usually reserved for a mother bear protecting her cubs or a pedophile in a Chuck E Cheese. He did eventually communicate, "ahfucgm ul" as I excused myself from the table. I take one look back and marvel at the intensity that Chuck devours his food. Now that’s a potentially dangerous man, god help us if he finds a gym.

Samantha Izzo spends her abundance of time differently and in better company, literary giants. "I just can’t get in a good sleep without the proper lumbar support. I find that if I slip a good-sized book under there, it applies just the right amount of pressure. I spend about 12 hours a day on my husbands small library."

So it looks as though we are in trouble folks. If we don’t find a productive way to focus are energy, are society is going to end up as a dog shit stain on the lawn of history. Now that I’m finished with this article, I have the rest of the day free. Maybe I’ll go spank it.

Wealthy couple decide to bathe in whitetrashdom

Martha and Stuart Copley are a upper middle class family residing in the wealthy community of Milton, MA. In Milton many things are happening on a daily basis. The roar of chainsaws as tree workers and arborists go to town on local arbor. Plumbers' and electricians' work Vans riddle the roads and various "parking spots". HD technology companies are rewiring houses so homeowners can turn there lights on with a thought, of course powered by the rays of the sun and geothermal activity. Carpenters frame out new Mcmansions in any allowable spot. Yet down one and a half miles, about 8000 feet are the echoes of gun shots bouncing off the run down multifamily homes at night. Crack cocaine runs rampant, and babies are poppin out into poverty multiple times a day. Most from the upper East side need to commute via public transportation and must travel through this lower class to get to the local train station. Exactly like Martha and Stuart Copley did everyday for 11 years.

After about eleven years of commuting through the west side of Milton, Stuart witnessed what he thought was the greatest thing. He watched a couple walk down the street with there 4 kids and a shopping cart full of diapers. It dawned on Stuart...what the hell was he doing? He and Marth don't need to work everyday. His wife doesn't need to take showers everyday. At the next stop of the train Stuart got off. He took a train back home, hopped in his car and First went to a local used Thrift store. He bought himself a San Jose Sharks starter jacket...and Martha a Tampa bay Devil Rays Hockey jersey. Yes a hockey jersey for a baseball team. Next he went to a local used car dealership. What he did was buy every beater he could. A 1984 Pontiac Le Mans, a 1987 Dodge Caravan, and one of those pick up trucks where the make and model are unrecognizeable. The truck now looks like it was being converted into one of those Rolls Royce's from the grey puopon ads. now every week he visits the same dealership and just lines them cars up all over his lawn. Martha has been poppin out children left and right...most of which do not belong to stuart. This i can only guess at do to the ethnic diversity of the children. She now unfortunately has a three pack a day cigarette habit, and really demolishes the alcoholic beverage known as Steel Reserve. This change from a successful young couple living in a beautiful enclave of wealthy massachusetts to a loud obnoxious starter jacket wearing trash has disturbed much of the community. A suggested course of action to abolish this choice of lifestye has been brought up in several town meetings. But turns out Stuart has called the community's bluff for action. "they ain't got no backbone...mneah" just before he screams "Martha!!! Martha!!!...get me some tp...my ass is stingin again" I asked why he and martha chose this path...he said. "Look, i get 440 a month for each of these kids...i don't need no job and on top of that i get 880 and so doesn't martha" I asked is that enough to pay the mortgage on what used to be an expensive property? "oh hell yeah...we got 14 kids...they don't eat nothin but ramen noodles at night and snickers in the mornin" Their property now has no horticulture no "pizzazz" much unlike the rest of the residences in upper class milton. He has many automobiles and bicycles scattered throughout the half acre property. The aroma of dirty children and gasoline made my stay quite short. As i was leaving i was biffed in the head with a roll of toilet paper. I heard the words "STU!!! STU!!! you lazy muthafucka...wipe ya fuckin ass"

AUDIENCE EXPERIENCES THINKING FOR ITSELF: DECIDES TO WATCH 'AVATAR' INSTEAD

An audience recently screened 'Where the Wild Things Are' and was left having to make up its own interpretation about what they had just saw. Intrepid reporter Herb Hernandez was able to catch up with some of the audience members as they left the theater. He asked one slovenly looking gentleman what he thought. "Ahh i don't know...i mean the animals could smash trees and stuff so that was cool." said Ronald Duechamer of Woonsocket. "He ran away to an island where Tony Soprano is even fatter and even hairier," said another Woonsocket native...a portly young chicklet-toothed female in sexy-ass tight jeans but with a horrible screeching voice named Monica Flamingham. What many may not know is Herb Hernandez, along with his powerful dance quintets, he is an avid movie fan. "Did you feel any connection with the animal avatars that represented the boy's raw emotions?" Herb asked Monica as her three young boys howledd like rabid hyennas and ran in circles around her. "Naw...i don't know nothing 'bout that. But, yeah we gonna see Avatar again. We've seen it like 10 times already. Those big blue guys are pretty cool and they really kick ass." Yes, they certainly do. Never mind the metaphors used to portray humanity's own atrocities against itself...those big blue aliens with the USB rasta technology are really cool. At the Avatar premiere, Herb approached several film goers on their thoughts. "So fuckin' good kid...that blue chick I bet is a monstah in bed," said Sean McCoy of North Providence, Ri. Susan Yeng said, "like i wish i could so plug into my computer like they do with that tree thing." Proving Herb's thesis...people just like animated big blue indians more than a fatter hairier Tony Soprano.

AL QAEDA RECALLS 50,000 IEDs WITH FAULTY DETENATORS

Al Qaeda representative Shaikh Abdul Oyeah Mohamed, publicly announced this week that it plans to recall approximately 50,000 improvised explosive devices from terror cells worldwide, after facing increased scrutiny over the failed Christmas day bombing of flight 253 over Detroit.

Al Qaeda officials first reported the incident as an instance of martyr error, but new evidence released by the NSA crime laboratory in Washington D.C. shows that a faulty design is to blame. Mohamed has been criticized heavily in recent weeks for an off-the-record statement captured on audio tape where he was quoted as saying "Well, that's what you get when you use child slave labor."

Al Qaeda officials have been subject to mounting internal and external pressure, giving cause to reevaluate their quality control process.

"When I push that button I expect to get 40 virgins, not 40 years in Guantanamo Bay." said Aljeeit Madroors, a 20 year old student at the suicide bomber academy in Kabul. "My faith in Allah is total, but now I am not as sure about Al Qaeda." -a gap religious militants are eager to close.

Mohamed has said he will not appear before congress to testify on behalf of Al Qaeda, to defend claims that they are "failing to live up to the standards of a modern enemy" and 'not doing their part to "validate perpetual expansion of the western military industrial complex". Florida Senator Rick Barry has been the most outspoken critic of Mohamed, saying that "We've confiscated more effective devices in our public schools..." and that "If they're not going to do better than that, we might as well just go home."

INFORMATION AGE IS JOCKS' COMEUPPANCE

After millennia of bullying, the wedgies, forced homework, and girl-getting reign of tyranny is coming to an end in a gloriously formulaic story-book tale of irony. The battle of brain versus brawn, is deciding the war in the golden age of technology rapidly taking shape around us.

Now that waify, effeminate, weirdos with thick glasses and poor hygiene are en vogue, nerds are getting all the play they can handle. With the shift in female interest gravitating towards those with higher IQ's, every undertaking of mankind seeks to enter the realm or nerddom, and nerdery has begun to flourish unfettered and proliferate exponentially across the globe.

Josh Speckler, a life long geek, explained that girls found his uncanny ability at guitar hero and flair with anagrams charming, and that Tommy Duffy, the captain of the football team, was now trying to get into World of War Craft parties and collecting pogs -affirming what he has believed his entire life, that jocks are actually the one who are the fags.

"I mean look at Bill Gates, look at Moby..." Speckler said "now look at Biff Tannen in 'Back to the Future' parts one, two, and three. Our time has come."

Amid speculation that the trend could be cyclical, nerds have bonded together together to form a ubiquitous technological infrastructure, tactfully creating dependency on their superior intelligence. "You can take my lunch money today, but don't come to me tomorrow and ask me to fix your computer." said Speckler "Sure, beat me up. I'll write your girl a sonnet and hack into your network."

These strategies have left jocks furrowing their cro-magnon brows in a vein attempt to understand the situation, and ultimately forcing them into supplicant humility as a joyous revelry now rightfully bestows the noble nerd.

GLENN BECK ADMITS TO USING RETARDATION

Fox 'News' political commentator Glenn Beck publicly admitted illegally using retardation to embellish segments fraudulently presented as information. In a tearful public address this weekend, Beck claims he began experimenting with retardation as a means to get attention, and that continued use over time caused him to disconnect from reality, ultimately reaching an even larger audience.

"My pointless antics, foolish capering, feigned passion, flagrant hypocrisy, blatant racism, sycophantic pandering, and unconscionable ignorance...are all bi-products of my sick, twisted addiction to retardation." Beck said. "I first began using retardation casually in the 1980's. I mean, it was the Reagan years, everyone was getting retarded...but over time, I developed a serious and problematic dependency on it. Eventually, I came to a point where I realized I didn't even understand my own bullshit anymore. That's how retarded I am."

Beck did not offer an apology during the disjointed, 40 minute rant with many glaring omissions and ranged from torrential sobs to racial epithets, however he did accept responsibility for his actions stating that "This is no one's problem but my own, I've got to pull myself up by the boot straps and tackle this thing head on." Beck is slated to check into a five-star, resort-style, intellectual abuse clinic in Colorado later this week, where he will reportedly undergo intensive therapy to help him reconcile problems with subjective validation, projection, and victim-hood. He will also be enjoying the all-you-can-eat gourmet buffet, clay tennis courts, and a shit-ton of fancy pills you couldn't afford. Beck said he also plans to renew his faith in Christ, with hopes that hiding behind self-righteous, superstitious, rhetoric will effectively negate his own egregious idiocy by comparison.

Beck's wife and children demonstrated their support by standing by his side during the speech, staring blankly and breathing through their mouths, occasionally faltering around their nostrils in an apparent attempt to pick their noses. Reaction from his peers has been varied. Some are claiming Beck is unfairly consuming oxygen from humans who deserve it more then he does, while others are proudly touting him as the 'mouthpiece of the moron' and calling him the 'greatest American hero in the last 500 years', commending his bravery to make a public acknowledgment and seek help. Beck plans to return to the airwaves after his vacation.

MAN AVOIDS TRAFFIC CITATION BY DEFECATING IN PANTS

Thirty Eight year old Todd Barker says he's always been somewhat of a weasel, and avoiding consequences comes naturally to him. From tattling to blame shifting, Barker manages to get himself out of almost every unpleasant situation he encounters. Fortunately, he was able to reap the benefits of these innate survival skills Wednesday morning when he was pulled over for speeding on his way to work.

"I was running late and I had a big meeting at work." Barker said "Fucking guy came out of nowhere too...and when he comes up to the car he's totally pissed off, so I knew I was in for it and this was going to take some serious bullshitting."

"Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" the officer asked when he approached the car.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I have to take a wicked dump." Barker said, to which the officer replied "Oh good one. I haven't head that one yet today. I clocked you doing 50 in a 25. Give me your license and registration."-Barker complied, but was not prepared to accept failure this easily.

"I generally wait until after my coffee and before lunch, you know, to make room...but I knew if I was going to get out of this ticket I needed to get creative, and I suddenly felt inspired. When the cop came back with the ticket, I mustered the most shameful, teary eyed grimace I could and when that pungent blast of shit wind hit his nostrils, I knew I was home free."

The bewildered officer exclaimed in disgust "Oh! Oh, what?! Ugh, my god that's disgusting! What the fuck?"

"I told you. I told you." Barker cried as the officer held his nose and said "Oh my god. Just get the fuck out of here!"

Without hesitation, Barker fled the scene with a sly grin and continued his route to work. "I was absolutely elated. I mean, without tits, it's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to get a ticket. I just totally stuck it to the man...of course now, I'm still running late for the meeting and I'm sitting on a hot apple pie. It figures it was the one day I didn't bring an extra pair of 'just-in-case' pants with me."

"I was hoping that the smell would dissipate by the time I got to the meeting. No one seemed to notice, at least no one said anything. Although, come to think of it, no one sat with me at lunch...anyway I don't think the skid mark down the back of my pants was that noticeable."

With the money saved from avoiding the ticket, Barker says he plans to purchase some new pants.

LOCAL COP MAKES GOOD

Peter Balddick, a 28 year old rookie police officer from Westboro, Massachusetts fulfilled his lifelong dream of murdering homeless crackhead in the line of duty Monday after a brief altercation.

According to the police report filed Tuesday morning, Officer Balddick responded to a complaint from a resident at the Waterford Hills luxury condominium complex on Main street, that a man was rummaging through a dumpster in the rear of the Starbucks coffee shop that is housed within the complex. Balddick reported that the man matched the callers description, with a height of approximately 5'5", weighing about 120 pounds, Mexican in appearance, wearing tattered cargo shorts and a Christmas sweater.

When the man was approached for questioning, he appeared startled and became agitated, making indiscernible sounds. Balddick then immediately drew his firearm on the suspect and ordered him to the ground. The suspect failed to comply, and then brandished what appeared to be a weapon. Officer Balddick fired on the suspect 13 times, emptying the magazine of his .45 caliber standard issued Beretta pistol, fatally striking the man with each round.

"I'm just too exhilarated for words right now" said Balldick of Monday's events. "It's something you dream about as a kid...but when it happens, its like, its like you can't believe it, you know? It's not everyday that you get to shot someone in the face 13 times."

Sargent Richard Pinner issued a statement later Monday "We all are just so proud of Pete for his outstanding, good old-fashioned police work, and helping to make our community a safer place. Granted, it was kind of a lucky shot at close range but I mean, hey, not bad for a rookie. I've beat up way more hippies and transients than he has...ask any of the other guys, they'll tell you. I kicked some serious ass."

No weapon was recovered from the scene, however investigators did retrieve a partially eaten grande triple fudge brownie bar, a popular item at Starbucks, from the man's hand. No illicit narcotics or paraphernalia were found on the body of the crackhead, but he was in possession of community outreach pamphlets for local employment aid programs and free English classes.

"We've seen these types of materials before..." said Pinner "We believe they are used as some sort of improvised candle for the crude combustion and inhalation of crack cocaine." citing that similar items were found in the possession of four other crackheads who have been shot by police in the past 5 weeks.

Balddick, now in line for a promotion, says he "can't wait to get back out there tomorrow" adding "sometimes you wonder, you know, if you made the right career choice, if you're really making a difference, but yesterday made it all worthwhile."

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE

There is a new sleeping sensation raging like wild fire through California upper class socialites. California has always been known as the pioneers for the practical application of wondrous devices that better health and well fare. Well they’ve done it again. The Placenta, is now offering the best nights sleep that 10,000,000 dollars can buy. “You’ll feel reborn every morning,” said one ecstatic owner.

The Placenta closely simulates the most peaceful time for all of us in our lifetime, being in utero. The system consists of a large sleeping cell made from the inner lining of cows’ second stomachs. “The second stomach is used to cradle the corn feed as it moves from the first stomach to the third stomach. It is a very nurturing stomach by nature.” The creator told us. The sleeping cell is than filled with 30 gallons of warm saline solution. The temperature of the solution is maintained by recycling your own body heat. It’s quite ingenious.

As you tuck yourself into the sac, a hose is attached to your face via a super comfortable mask and headset apparatus. Lovingly referred to as the Lobotomizer, it serves multiple functions. First off, the headset will fill your ears with all the sounds you would recognize from your pre-birth days. You will hear the gurgle of your mother stomach as she craves for peanut butter covered pickles. You will hear a constant heart beat totally in sync with your own. You will hear your mother’s voice as she curses the poor sap she thinks may have knocked her up.

The mask portion of the Lobotomizer handles the feeding and breathing during your nights rest. A feeding tube is inserted directly down your throat with the assist of topical muscle relaxing agents that are excreted from the hose’s outer lining. “ It’s really quite technical,” one specialist told us. “ It mainly comes down to a little medication and a healthy dollop of lubricant and it slides right down.”

There is also a timer set on the side of The Placenta that will wake you at your desired time. They call this an “Alarm”. It’s important that you set the “Alarm” because you could easily sleep away months at a time. There is nothing on the market even close to comparison that brings you the results that The Placenta offers you. To get this kind of rest, you would basically have to climb back on through your mother’s vagina and nuzzle up in her womb. It’s fantastic. J.B.

GIRLFRIEND LOSES SEX DRIVE AFTER STUPID MOVIE

After a romantic Valentines dinner celebration Sunday evening, Carl Pilkington and his girlfriend of 9 months Sarah Weinstadt, took in a movie downtown at the cineplex.

"She wanted to see 'The Unchained Heart' a heroic tale of love and honor" said Pilkington "I wanted to see 'Born to Die' the new Vin Diesel movie, but whatever, I wasn't going to argue with her. I can always watch it on Netflix anyway, right?"

"So like 20 minutes into this thing, I'm already about to lose it. I told Sarah that the prime rib gave me the runs and I had to go use the can. I ended up playing pinball in the lobby for an hour with a couple other guys who were also bored out of their minds."

"When I came back right at the end of the movie, Sarah was crying. 'Fucking great', I thought, 'here we go'...feeling melancholy, she turns and asks me:"

"Carl, would you choose me over your duty?"

"I was confused because I thought she meant -would I rather sit here and watch this drivel horse crap chick-flick with her, or take a shit. I responded 'Honey, I'm sorry, when duty calls, you've got to answer.' Then she starts wailing and demands I take her home. What the fuck?"

"I want to find the director of this piece of crap and punch him the face. I haven't been laid in like a month and I've completely exhausted my porn collection, I needed this."

NEURAL CHEMICAL RESPONSIBLE FOR LOVE INDENTIFIED, REPLICATED

Dow Corning is expected to publicly announce a new discovery this week, a minty gel containing the neural chemical responsible for love. Mary Lawless, VP of marketing for Dow Corning, said in a statement Friday "We believe this new, exciting product will reach a wide range of target markets, from infancy to postmortem."

The gel, available in 2.5 ounce tubes, will retail for $39.95 and be available over the counter at most drug stores.

Lawless went on to explain "For mothers of newborns who don't quite feel that they're receiving the level of 'love' that they are owed for carriage and delivery, can now apply a dab of gel to their baby's gums and instantly witness results, the same is applicable for insolent toddlers."

"Relatives of the deceased can self-apply the chemical agent, and finally experience reciprocation they never received from their dead loved ones."

"...but it doesn't stop there. Deadbeat dad's can spike their teenagers energy drinks, husbands conveniently replace their wives toothpaste, awkward high-schoolers can sail their dream boats on this new paradisaical sea of chemicals."

"The possibilities are limitless, and we believe it will positively influence the world for the better..." adding candidly that the chemical is highly addictive and has the potential to cause extreme withdrawal symptoms, including headache, fatigue, violent rage, diarrhea, and dry mouth. The patent is owned by Dow Corning and its ingredients are also finite, indicating that prices will soar after introduction.

NEW STUDY SHOWS SMOKING IS COOL

New Studies Show Smoking IS Cool. Researchers have concluded that smoking does up the cool quotient for a certain percentage of smokers.

In a double blind, one week study, four out of five people who regularly smoked cigarettes were found to look cool doing it. Researchers noted that in recent years smokers have been reviled for their habit, with public places becoming less hospitable to those who choose to light up.

In the study, those smokers who didn't give a fuck were the ones who possessed the most cool. Shameful smokers, like those who sneak cigarettes under the cover of night or deny their smoky ways, were found to possess little or no cool.The study followed five smokers, four of whom blatantly flaunted their addiction, in their daily lives. Amongst the four who had no qualms about their habit, researchers observed that non-smokers around them viewed the smokers as confident, attractive, hard working, and motivated. The lone smoker that apologized for their habit was viewed as weak-willed, dirty, messy, and ugly.

Researchers based the findings of this study on the looks on peoples faces as the smokers lit up around them. "The eyes can be very telling." head researcher Dr. Joseph DeKokomo said in a statement released Thursday. "We also took into account the facial movements of non-smokers when looking at smokers. Our study shows minute twitches around the mouth which could indicate envy or that the non-smokers were choking on a cough."

Dr. Joseph DeKokomo, a two pack a day smoker of Newport 100's, expects this information could change the common perception about smoking and possibly induce more young people to take up nicotine. "Smoking is cool. Period. The sooner people realize this, the better."

Story by: Jane Qunicy Public

VALENTINES DAY COMPULSORY

Just ahead of this year's Valentines day, president Obama has signed into law a bill now making the celebration of Valentines Day compulsory. The bill, introduced by Floyd Merriweather, former CEO for Hallmark [a division of DynaCorp Defense Systems], is touted to pump nearly a quarter of a trillion dollars into the the US economy by mandating the monetization of the finest thing in life...love.

"In between the holiday shopping craze and the mom-dad-grad spend phase, we need to fill the void in retail activity..." Merriweather said. "By codifying participation in this 'holiday', we stand to realize astronomical profits by theoretically holding the nation's vaginas hostage..." adding "It's fucking brilliant if you really look at it."

But people across the nation aren't basking in the ideas brilliance. Billy Scheckler, a 22 year senior at Dartmouth College is worried he won't be able to fulfill his civic duty. "It's gonna fucking cost me like $600 dollars. Where the fuck am I gonna get $600 bucks? I'm thawing hot dogs in my dorm sink right now. Besides, I don't even need Valentine's Day. Michelle is ready after like two Gansett tallboys."

Even men who can afford it are feeling the pinch. Ted Collanino of Hoboken NJ reacted to the news. "This isn't a fucking holiday! If it was, I'd get Monday off and be shitfaced in front of the god damn TV."

"I've been married for over 18 years, why the hell do I need to spend $80 on roses that go bad in 3 days, $400 on a tiny rock that's only practical application is cutting glass, then get all dressed up to spend $90 at Olive Garden after waiting an hour and a half, $40 at the movies-to sit through some click-flick that has just enough T&A to keep me from walking out, another $40 to get enough booze in us to make seeing each other naked less revolting, $120 dollars on some cutesy teddy bear that awkwardly conjures tears at the recollection of paternal abandonment, and $150 on a pink tissue with spaghetti straps that will inevitably only stay on for a few moments because it's late already, and I've got work in the morning?"

Women too, are objecting. Ted's wife Sarah Collanino said "He's such a cheap fuck, ya know? He'll probably get me some tacky CZ earrings...and watch him get me one of those STUPID stuffed animals too. Hello! What am I 5? Oh, and chocolates? How original. Did you want my ass to get even fatter? He's so fucking insensitive."

Going on to say "Nice card jackass. If only you meant any of the words in it...because if you had actually read it you would have noticed that its an anniversary card from a wife to a husband. God, I married a moron. I should have fucked his brother back in high school when I had the chance. At least he's successful now."

"...and I bet he's gonna put on that gay sweater and take me to the Olive Garden. Now I get to add garlic to the odor of gin and sour, sweaty, defeat as he crushes my ribcage in a horrifying 30 seconds of obligatory intercourse. I feel so fat and gross in those slutty nighties he makes me wear like I'm his whore. Now I'll have to fake my way through that 'move' he pulls out on special occasions. God, its pathetic. It's just too bad I already used my period excuse last week, but worst of all, Sunday is my poop night."

A protest formed outside the white house early Saturday, organized by a group calling themselves 'The V Party"-A collection of embittered, single, overweight and ugly people, calling for the abolition of Valentine's Day.

Thirty-three year old Darren Taynte, a spokesperson for "The V Party" issued the following statement to a crowd of cheering supporters "We are here to send a message to our government that Valentine's Day sucks! [applause] We do not need to be reminded that we're alone. I mean, I've been on a few dates on Match.com, but I'm keeping my options open right now...anyway, the point is, unless congress can pass a law that can get me laid, I don't see why I need to participate."

Citing widespread economic hardship, president Obama is urging financial institutions to again begin lending to couples in need of fiduciary assistance to carry out their Valentines plans saying that banks need to "invest in our nation's potential to get busy", however financial institutions are reluctant, acknowledging statistics proving that over 87% of all relationships will ultimately fail.

Seeing this measure through to fruition is another challenge faced by lawmakers. "How to make people jubilant in an unrestrained orgy of pseudo-holiday spending is not as easy as it seems." said Merriweather. "Census records will be used by Valentine's enforcement agents who are threatening to levy strict fines on those resisting participation and even monitoring coitus at gunpoint if necessary."

CAN YOU TELL WHAT I'M THINKING?

A San Francisco based laboratory released information on a study they have been conducting for the past 12 years. The results, anyone can become a mind reader.

According to their study, a person of normal JuJu, or magic prowess, can become the next David Blain by performing a few basic mindercises. “Mindercises are exercises for the mind,” one poster on the wall offered.

Information at the scientific facility was scarce because most of the employees don’t bother to speak out loud anymore. To the untrained eye, it looks as if everyone is miserable and hates one another. What I learned is that they are actually communicating the whole time with their minds. Once you learn the truth you are able to pick up the subtle little nuances, things like the rolling of eyes and the thumb point and sneer suggesting “ Hey look at this guy.”Even though they were tight lipped on giving any more information than what was in their press release, which simply stated “ I know what your thinking, now you can too.”

I was able to wrestle out a little more information from a custodian named Carl, in one of the lavatories. The first step it seems is to stare at oneself in the mirror for extended periods of time per day. You should be able to read your own mind within a few sessions. When probed for more information, Carl gave me a knowing look and winked. If only I could have read his mind. J.B.

RELATIONSHIP SAVED BY STRATEGICALLY ADMINISTERED BLOWJOB

Marlon Tasler and Tammy Brakeen have been a couple for nearly seventeen months and have been cohabiting for just over a year. They met at a New Year's Eve party of a mutual friend, and after a night of heavy drinking and feigned interest in one another, they made love in their friend's bedroom. To avoid awkwardness the following morning, they continued to be nice to each other. Marlon didn't want to seem like a douche bag and Tammy didn't want to look like a slut, but in reality they were.

Marlon recalls-"She was like roommates with this girl Caitlin my friend Dustin was trying to hook up with, and he introduced me to Tammy to get her to stop third wheeling on all their dates and always putting the cock-block on him so he could finally get with Catlin. I didn't want to be a dick and just leave. Dustin got me laid, so it was the least I could to help him get laid, you know? That's like, Bro-Code."

Tammy remembers the same night- "Caitlin was being a bitch and kept ignoring me for Dustin all night. I was totally jealous of her. Then Dustin tries to pawn his ugly friend on me. He wasn't that ugly, I mean I've done way worse, but he was kind of fat and had bad skin. He was nice. He asked me a lot of questions and wouldn't leave me alone. By midnight we were both pretty drunk and when the ball dropped I realized that everyone else at the party was celebrating with someone else. I didn't want to be alone too so we started making out. The next thing you know we were waking up in Caitlin's bedroom."

"We just started dating" Marlon said. The convenient friend couple dynamic the foursome created seemed to make sense to Marlon and Tammy and also to Dustin, who was still trying to get with Caitlin.

"Once Caitlin and Dustin finally hooked up it wasn't really cool to hang out at the apartment anymore so we eventually got out own place." said Tammy.

Tasler and Brakeen continued their relationship in spite of the fact that they don't particularly care for one another and share few common interests. "We basically just watch a lot of TV. Sometimes we go out to eat." explains Brakeen. "I can't really afford to live by myself and she gives it up pretty regularly so, whatever." Tasler says.

However, in recent months Tasler has been reconsidering his options. "Dustin met this unbelievable chick at Subway and like immediately dumped Caitlin. That's how hot she was. Now he's got the phat new place on the East Side and he's looking for a roommate. Plus, his new girls got mad hot friends."

Tammy sensed Marlon had been growing distant, and tried to evoke involvement from him by withholding sex but her plan ultimately backfired. Tasler described the situation "I decided I had to get the fuck out of there. Tammy's always complaining about headaches lately and Dustin's been telling me about all these kick ass parties I'm missing, so one night during American Idol I just went for it. During the commercial I lowered the volume and said 'listen, Tammy, I don't think this is working out...'" -but Tammy, jaded from a series of unsuccessful relationships, refused to be dumped again and stopped him before he could continue.

"I wasn't going to let him ruin my 'Idol night'." Brackeen said "Besides, I've put way to much work into him to just give up now. I mean, he's lost 20 pounds, cleared up his acne, he's actually pretty tolerable now. He's still an idiot, but whatever, he takes out the garbage. I knew what I had to do."

"Then she says 'oh excuse me honey' and gets up to go to the bathroom right as I'm about to break up with her. When she came back, her hair was in a scrunchy. I knew what that meant. I weighed out my options at that moment and figured it could wait."

Tasler and Brakeen are still going strong.

US CLAIMS TEXAS HARBORING WMDs

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used strong and unprecedented language in a speech to the United Nations today, accusing Texas of harboring weapons of mass destruction. Texas governor Rick Perry vehemently denied the allegations, stating that while it did have a lot of weapons, they were not capable of reaching beyond Texas borders, and were in place only for domestic purposes, as a crime deterrent.

"We believe that Texas is amassing arms for the mobilization of a separatist revolt against the union." Clinton said "If Texas were to carry out this plan, it would pose a threat to itself, its neighbors, and the nation."

"The so called 'great' state of Texas has had a nefarious reputation of intolerance, and a sordid history of aggression." said Clinton, adding that if the proposed UN sanctions were to fail, military intervention could not be excluded as an option. "If the armament expansion of Texas continues to threaten the United States of America, it is imperative that we be prepared launch a preemptive strike."

Texas governor Rick Perry publicly refuted the claims, saying they were "fraught with ulterior motives" and denied that Texas was in possession of WMDs, or capable of manufacturing them. Contrarily, in a hearing before the senate, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates asserted "We know they've got 'em. We have the receipt."-an argument that is shifting favor towards the United States. Texas is warning that it will defend itself if weapons inspectors try to enter the state.

As tensions mount, the grasp on security becomes more tenuous. A mass exodus has begun, with tens of thousands of Texans fleeing into Mexico across the Rio Grande and over the recently constructed, once fiercely guarded border walls. Others are digging in, and vowing to defend Texas at all costs. One man, identifying himself only as a 'freedom fighter' said "I will strap a bomb to my chest if I have to. To hell with them damn Yankees! They just want our oil. I will turn this desert into a dang ashtray! Lets git 'r dun!" [punctuating with a rebel yell].

Several protests erupted on Capitol Hill, echoing opinions from both sides. A group of 300 demonstrators formed in front of the White House, holding signs that read "END U.S IMPERIALISM" and "NO A LA GUERRA" while chanting "Don't mess with Texas!"

Across the street, another group formed carrying signs that read "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN" and "MACHINE WASH LOW, TUMBLE DRY" and sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'. One protester was quoted as saying "Those greedy cowboys can't be trusted with all that oil. They'll probably use the money to build a bomb and try to take over the whole country. They did it in 2001, and they'll do it again if we let them."

The UN has stated Texas has until high noon Friday to relinquish all of its arms to inspectors.

herb hernandez here.

in the middle of february you can notice several things. The sun stays out a bit longer. the snow melts faster. We can all start to feel spring upon us. Black people have only 28 days not a full 30 0r 31 to embrace there cultural heritage. Us spaniards don't even have a day, so way to go blacks. But most importantly its the month of love. Valentines day is fast approaching. The shopping marts are riddled with red hearts and candy. Florists are backed up with orders. Commercials botched up with how to spend on your loved one. Well Herb Hernandez here has a different tradition. Each year i pick one or a few of my favorite love songs and dance and sing while in costume. For everyone to see. A public dedication to love. Last year i was rockin out to whats her name there the bitch who got smacked in the car, rhinoah? yeah her. other gems i chose were such acts as Hall and Oats' entire catalog, just because i used to think that they were the same people as siegfried and roy, and i love tigers. or what about Ligres? thats science right there. the year before that was ricky martin's livin la vida loca. That was just a dedication to the greatest spanish recording artist of all time. well this year i brought back the nostalgia and ran with Sade's no ordinary love. mainly because i love mermaids. remember that? she was a mermaid in the video. and i love mermaids, but really they are just manatees. Damn fool's gold! I prepared my costume a few days ago. its a merman costume with red sequins. i have got one of those Rasta bob marley dread lock hats, and a serious spray tan lubed on. you might be wondering now what i may be wearing as for a shirt or blouse...well have no fear Herb Hernandez here is goin topless. yeah its cold. sure its windy. but love is a bitter road and Herb Hernandez here is GOIN TOPLESS!!! its a goddamn metaphor.

Now to set the stage. There is a little park with a play set, a rope gym, and a real kick ass slide. Also it has a boulder which is a like earths natural stage for me. This is where Herb Hernandez here chose to set up shop. i made some final adjustments to my amplifier, found my Music for the elegant tune and hit the road. It was a bumpy road for sure. First, as i exited my car i fell in some crusty salty snow. the merman suit is really hard to walk in. and then the salt and the spray tan stuff started to have some sort of chemical reaction. but i marched on. or waddled. and it starts. the synth...can you feel that synth!! "i gave you all the love i got i gave you more than i could give..." 4 and a half minutes later...officers arrive"SIR GET DOWN FROM THERE NOW!! CHILDREN PLAY HERE SIR"yeah you know what i said "FUCK YOU OFFICER!! its my god given right to bless these people with SADE!!" but i guess choosing to sing at a children's playground may not have been the best decision. Honestly i don't know how i have been making it this far. But such hurtful words i never thought could be sent my way.

Well Herb Hernandez here just getting home from the station. 2010 valentines day season hasn't been a good one. the spray tan and salt reaction has given me like some sort of body herpes. The officers really roughed me up this year. I lost my Rasta wig. my brother's gonna be pissed about that one. and then i actually got herpes from the station. and i am being charged with some child pornography crap. you were right Sade...this is no ordinary love. Herb Hernandez here...battling the ninja.

FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
Installment #1:
with sethisdelirious

Hello reader! You're looking great today. And i'm not just saying that. I can see you through that web cam you installed last Tuesday. Yes, it's two way...but don't worry, i wasn't watching when you were furiously masturbating for forty-five minutes to Barbara Streisand videos on youtube last night. No judgment here.

Alright its time for tip #1 for Feeling Better About Yourself. The first thing that you'll need to do is be 'randomly selected' for jury duty. Its sort of like winning a lottery that you never entered, only instead of winning money you get to bathe in the misery of your fellow citizens.

Yes, you who can't choose between the Cheesy-Chaluppa Value Meal and the many options of the dollar menu, will now be granted the full power of the state to incarcerate or exonerate some poor unfortunate/hideous beast of a human being. With no schooling or prerequisite legal training whatsoever! Just bring your corn-syrup saturated brain and a whole lot of patience and get ready for the ride of your life.

As we get started, you will first be introduced to your fellow jurors. They will consist of representatives from all walks of life including, but not limited to: unemployed construction worker, unemployed car salesman, middle-school gym teacher, unemployed newspaper worker, self-righteous pastor, customer service rep, and many more. All will appear to have been beaten down by and dragged face first over the gravely road of life. The overall feeling of joy that you will experience by looking at these dreary, withered expressions for day/weeks upon end may be overwhelming at first. These people look nothing like the beautiful plastic people on the television! Instantly you will feel your self-confidence soar. It looks like you can cancel Saturday night's scheduled self-loathing marathon, because, as it turns out, the general population seems to consist mainly of marshmallow shaped, balding, vacant-eyed, middle-aged zombies, and those are just the women.

See you next time, when we'll explore how being trapped in a closet sized room with 13 of these fine folks for 4 to 5 hours per day will give you a whole new reason to jump out of bed in the morning!

STUDY SHOWS ALCOHOLISM HELPS DRINKERS FORGET ABOUT MISERABLE LIVES

New research has shown that individuals who consume between 4 and 7 alcoholic beverages a day, or over 25 in a week are 60% more likely to be able to cope with their problems. In a recent study, scientists at the John Walker institute analyzed scale-based questionnaires from a group of 1,000 participants-half of whom used alcohol regularly, and the other half that did not drink at all.

The survey focused on areas cognitive appraisal, emotional involvement, and disposition. The responses displayed trends that indicate drinkers have an advantage at absorbing life's hardships-putting drinkers ahead of the ball when it comes to being able to just say "Fuck it.".

The results showed that those who drank the heaviest were less likely to be bogged down by the excruciating minutia of everyday existence, apparently more gregarious and lighthearted without a pretentious obsession with consciousness. Those who did not drink were shown to always be doing things, exercised more interest in their present and future situations, and rationalized the requirement for celebration.

A sample analysis of the study group revealed how the evidence compared. Debra Bagwell, a 48 year old unemployed participant in the study says she agreed to fill out the questionnaire because she thought it would be a good way to score a few bucks for the night, but neglected to complete or return the survey forms. This produced a default result in the analysis, indicating that Bagwell was competent in areas of stress management.

Roger Marcott, a 35 year old salesman, says he joined the study to help alcoholics like his father, who he blames alcohol for exacerbating his shortcomings as a parent. However the results of the study effectively countered Marcott's suppositions by showing that his father was actually skilled at blocking out stress factors, while Marcott himself is still wound up about shit that happened 25 years ago.

Currently only 2 out of 5 five doctors recommend using alcohol though, most still suggesting a combination of Zoloft and barbiturates will yield greater results. However this new testimony to inebriation is poised to be a game changer for those of us trying to cope.