CHURCH TO OFFER CONFESSION VIA INSTANT MESSAGING

It's called digital absolution, and its the cutting edge of Christian faith.

"People are becoming more comfortable divulging their abhorrent misdeeds to a cutesy avatar aptly named G@DR@X or JezuSaves than they are in a dark, dank, dungeon closet ensconced in blood red velvet to a sinister, judgmental, boy-hungry pedophile." explains Avi Enstein, chief marketing officer of ChristCo, a pioneering Internet start-up company looking to engage consumers through exponentially growing media channels and social networks.

"We're offering a rich, robust, multi layered user interface that gives consumers seeking solace in Christ even more paths to salvation."

Now you can chat live with priests online anytime for membership fees as low as $19.99 a month for a basic plan. Virtual contact centers outsourced across the globe are staffed by hundreds of priests standing by to assuage your guilt...and for those pressed for time, simply email or text.

ChristCo is even establishing a new 24 hour confessional hot line featuring an automated menu that uses a state of the art speech recognition application to produce a customized penance based on the nature and severity of the sins committed.

Enstein also touts social media for such instantly successful endeavors as Tweet4Jesus, and Facebook fans can add their favorite saints as friends, interact with a virtual congregation, and receive daily sermons.

"Let's face it. Religion will die with the newspaper if we fail to connect with our target audience. The way humans interact with one another is rapidly shifting to an increasingly digital environment. The golden age is essentially the wild west for enterprising entrepreneurs, and we're not going to be late to the fucking dance on this one."