VALENTINES DAY COMPULSORY

Just ahead of this year's Valentines day, president Obama has signed into law a bill now making the celebration of Valentines Day compulsory. The bill, introduced by Floyd Merriweather, former CEO for Hallmark [a division of DynaCorp Defense Systems], is touted to pump nearly a quarter of a trillion dollars into the the US economy by mandating the monetization of the finest thing in life...love.

"In between the holiday shopping craze and the mom-dad-grad spend phase, we need to fill the void in retail activity..." Merriweather said. "By codifying participation in this 'holiday', we stand to realize astronomical profits by theoretically holding the nation's vaginas hostage..." adding "It's fucking brilliant if you really look at it."

But people across the nation aren't basking in the ideas brilliance. Billy Scheckler, a 22 year senior at Dartmouth College is worried he won't be able to fulfill his civic duty. "It's gonna fucking cost me like $600 dollars. Where the fuck am I gonna get $600 bucks? I'm thawing hot dogs in my dorm sink right now. Besides, I don't even need Valentine's Day. Michelle is ready after like two Gansett tallboys."

Even men who can afford it are feeling the pinch. Ted Collanino of Hoboken NJ reacted to the news. "This isn't a fucking holiday! If it was, I'd get Monday off and be shitfaced in front of the god damn TV."

"I've been married for over 18 years, why the hell do I need to spend $80 on roses that go bad in 3 days, $400 on a tiny rock that's only practical application is cutting glass, then get all dressed up to spend $90 at Olive Garden after waiting an hour and a half, $40 at the movies-to sit through some click-flick that has just enough T&A to keep me from walking out, another $40 to get enough booze in us to make seeing each other naked less revolting, $120 dollars on some cutesy teddy bear that awkwardly conjures tears at the recollection of paternal abandonment, and $150 on a pink tissue with spaghetti straps that will inevitably only stay on for a few moments because it's late already, and I've got work in the morning?"

Women too, are objecting. Ted's wife Sarah Collanino said "He's such a cheap fuck, ya know? He'll probably get me some tacky CZ earrings...and watch him get me one of those STUPID stuffed animals too. Hello! What am I 5? Oh, and chocolates? How original. Did you want my ass to get even fatter? He's so fucking insensitive."

Going on to say "Nice card jackass. If only you meant any of the words in it...because if you had actually read it you would have noticed that its an anniversary card from a wife to a husband. God, I married a moron. I should have fucked his brother back in high school when I had the chance. At least he's successful now."

"...and I bet he's gonna put on that gay sweater and take me to the Olive Garden. Now I get to add garlic to the odor of gin and sour, sweaty, defeat as he crushes my ribcage in a horrifying 30 seconds of obligatory intercourse. I feel so fat and gross in those slutty nighties he makes me wear like I'm his whore. Now I'll have to fake my way through that 'move' he pulls out on special occasions. God, its pathetic. It's just too bad I already used my period excuse last week, but worst of all, Sunday is my poop night."

A protest formed outside the white house early Saturday, organized by a group calling themselves 'The V Party"-A collection of embittered, single, overweight and ugly people, calling for the abolition of Valentine's Day.

Thirty-three year old Darren Taynte, a spokesperson for "The V Party" issued the following statement to a crowd of cheering supporters "We are here to send a message to our government that Valentine's Day sucks! [applause] We do not need to be reminded that we're alone. I mean, I've been on a few dates on Match.com, but I'm keeping my options open right now...anyway, the point is, unless congress can pass a law that can get me laid, I don't see why I need to participate."

Citing widespread economic hardship, president Obama is urging financial institutions to again begin lending to couples in need of fiduciary assistance to carry out their Valentines plans saying that banks need to "invest in our nation's potential to get busy", however financial institutions are reluctant, acknowledging statistics proving that over 87% of all relationships will ultimately fail.

Seeing this measure through to fruition is another challenge faced by lawmakers. "How to make people jubilant in an unrestrained orgy of pseudo-holiday spending is not as easy as it seems." said Merriweather. "Census records will be used by Valentine's enforcement agents who are threatening to levy strict fines on those resisting participation and even monitoring coitus at gunpoint if necessary."