US CLAIMS TEXAS HARBORING WMDs

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used strong and unprecedented language in a speech to the United Nations today, accusing Texas of harboring weapons of mass destruction. Texas governor Rick Perry vehemently denied the allegations, stating that while it did have a lot of weapons, they were not capable of reaching beyond Texas borders, and were in place only for domestic purposes, as a crime deterrent.

"We believe that Texas is amassing arms for the mobilization of a separatist revolt against the union." Clinton said "If Texas were to carry out this plan, it would pose a threat to itself, its neighbors, and the nation."

"The so called 'great' state of Texas has had a nefarious reputation of intolerance, and a sordid history of aggression." said Clinton, adding that if the proposed UN sanctions were to fail, military intervention could not be excluded as an option. "If the armament expansion of Texas continues to threaten the United States of America, it is imperative that we be prepared launch a preemptive strike."

Texas governor Rick Perry publicly refuted the claims, saying they were "fraught with ulterior motives" and denied that Texas was in possession of WMDs, or capable of manufacturing them. Contrarily, in a hearing before the senate, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates asserted "We know they've got 'em. We have the receipt."-an argument that is shifting favor towards the United States. Texas is warning that it will defend itself if weapons inspectors try to enter the state.

As tensions mount, the grasp on security becomes more tenuous. A mass exodus has begun, with tens of thousands of Texans fleeing into Mexico across the Rio Grande and over the recently constructed, once fiercely guarded border walls. Others are digging in, and vowing to defend Texas at all costs. One man, identifying himself only as a 'freedom fighter' said "I will strap a bomb to my chest if I have to. To hell with them damn Yankees! They just want our oil. I will turn this desert into a dang ashtray! Lets git 'r dun!" [punctuating with a rebel yell].

Several protests erupted on Capitol Hill, echoing opinions from both sides. A group of 300 demonstrators formed in front of the White House, holding signs that read "END U.S IMPERIALISM" and "NO A LA GUERRA" while chanting "Don't mess with Texas!"

Across the street, another group formed carrying signs that read "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN" and "MACHINE WASH LOW, TUMBLE DRY" and sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'. One protester was quoted as saying "Those greedy cowboys can't be trusted with all that oil. They'll probably use the money to build a bomb and try to take over the whole country. They did it in 2001, and they'll do it again if we let them."

The UN has stated Texas has until high noon Friday to relinquish all of its arms to inspectors.