Professional golfer Tiger Woods made a public apology this morning, amid ongoing controversy surrounding purported infidelities. Woods sought to make amends with his family, clear his name and redeem marketability for multiple sponsorships that have either been terminated or suspended.The conference was attended by a small group of hand picked reporters, who were not permitted to ask questions.
Woods entered the room, solemnly approached the podium and spoke. "I would like to thank everyone for coming today. Recently, it became public that I have not been faithful to my wife, even though she is a super-hot model. Also, it has been said that I have not been a good father to my children, even though they live in a mansion and their trust funds make more interest than the salaries of everyone in this room combined. So, I would like to take this opportunity to make something perfectly clear. I am Tiger Woods, and I fuck bitches. I fuck the most bitches. I will fuck any bitch I want, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves."
Reporters in the room looked on silently, mouths agape as Woods continued "All y'all motherfuckers be up in my shit, and I'm sayin' though, step off, for reals. You been warned. "
"Why you wanna sweat a nigga just 'cause he got mad dough. Bitch please. Y'all be like Tiger Woods isn't faithful, Tiger Woods is a bad father, Tiger Woods let his sponsors down...fuck that shit. That greedy bitch act like 'cause she my babies mama, she tell me where my dick go. Uh-uh. Nah. It ain't like that. T-Dubz brings it. Ya heard?"
"And yo, my babies? Them spoiled lil' shits don't even know the pain daddy 'll put on 'em. They be checkin themselves after I kncoks a golf club upside they heads. And my sponsors? Them motherfuckers be perpetratin'. Oh what? Motherfuckers gonna stop shavin' 'cause I got so much game? No one gonna need tennis shoes 'cause Tiger lies about runnin' hoes? People gonna stop using they cell phones 'cause Tiger Woods is a baller? Fuck that shit man. I just made they stock go up and they don't even know it. Motherfuckers can suck my dick."
"And all you media motherfuckers...y'alls is the worst. Be playin a nigga like y'all ain't catchin' ass on the side too, huh? Fake ass playa' hatin' motherfuckers."
"Yo. And to all you scandalous nasty-ass freaks with my name on your lips, ya playin' ya' self. Believe that. I'm a gets mine. Y'all bitches just be jealous 'cause I be tearin' it up like bam, bam, pow. [pelvic gyrations] That's how T-Dubz does it. I'm out."
Woods dropped the microphone and walked out of the room during a standing ovation.
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