Dow Corning is expected to publicly announce a new discovery this week, a minty gel containing the neural chemical responsible for love. Mary Lawless, VP of marketing for Dow Corning, said in a statement Friday "We believe this new, exciting product will reach a wide range of target markets, from infancy to postmortem."The gel, available in 2.5 ounce tubes, will retail for $39.95 and be available over the counter at most drug stores.
Lawless went on to explain "For mothers of newborns who don't quite feel that they're receiving the level of 'love' that they are owed for carriage and delivery, can now apply a dab of gel to their baby's gums and instantly witness results, the same is applicable for insolent toddlers."
"Relatives of the deceased can self-apply the chemical agent, and finally experience reciprocation they never received from their dead loved ones."
"...but it doesn't stop there. Deadbeat dad's can spike their teenagers energy drinks, husbands conveniently replace their wives toothpaste, awkward high-schoolers can sail their dream boats on this new paradisaical sea of chemicals."
"The possibilities are limitless, and we believe it will positively influence the world for the better..." adding candidly that the chemical is highly addictive and has the potential to cause extreme withdrawal symptoms, including headache, fatigue, violent rage, diarrhea, and dry mouth. The patent is owned by Dow Corning and its ingredients are also finite, indicating that prices will soar after introduction.
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