MAN AVOIDS TRAFFIC CITATION BY DEFECATING IN PANTS

Thirty Eight year old Todd Barker says he's always been somewhat of a weasel, and avoiding consequences comes naturally to him. From tattling to blame shifting, Barker manages to get himself out of almost every unpleasant situation he encounters. Fortunately, he was able to reap the benefits of these innate survival skills Wednesday morning when he was pulled over for speeding on his way to work.

"I was running late and I had a big meeting at work." Barker said "Fucking guy came out of nowhere too...and when he comes up to the car he's totally pissed off, so I knew I was in for it and this was going to take some serious bullshitting."

"Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" the officer asked when he approached the car.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I have to take a wicked dump." Barker said, to which the officer replied "Oh good one. I haven't head that one yet today. I clocked you doing 50 in a 25. Give me your license and registration."-Barker complied, but was not prepared to accept failure this easily.

"I generally wait until after my coffee and before lunch, you know, to make room...but I knew if I was going to get out of this ticket I needed to get creative, and I suddenly felt inspired. When the cop came back with the ticket, I mustered the most shameful, teary eyed grimace I could and when that pungent blast of shit wind hit his nostrils, I knew I was home free."

The bewildered officer exclaimed in disgust "Oh! Oh, what?! Ugh, my god that's disgusting! What the fuck?"

"I told you. I told you." Barker cried as the officer held his nose and said "Oh my god. Just get the fuck out of here!"

Without hesitation, Barker fled the scene with a sly grin and continued his route to work. "I was absolutely elated. I mean, without tits, it's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to get a ticket. I just totally stuck it to the man...of course now, I'm still running late for the meeting and I'm sitting on a hot apple pie. It figures it was the one day I didn't bring an extra pair of 'just-in-case' pants with me."

"I was hoping that the smell would dissipate by the time I got to the meeting. No one seemed to notice, at least no one said anything. Although, come to think of it, no one sat with me at lunch...anyway I don't think the skid mark down the back of my pants was that noticeable."

With the money saved from avoiding the ticket, Barker says he plans to purchase some new pants.