GLENN BECK ADMITS TO USING RETARDATION

Fox 'News' political commentator Glenn Beck publicly admitted illegally using retardation to embellish segments fraudulently presented as information. In a tearful public address this weekend, Beck claims he began experimenting with retardation as a means to get attention, and that continued use over time caused him to disconnect from reality, ultimately reaching an even larger audience.

"My pointless antics, foolish capering, feigned passion, flagrant hypocrisy, blatant racism, sycophantic pandering, and unconscionable ignorance...are all bi-products of my sick, twisted addiction to retardation." Beck said. "I first began using retardation casually in the 1980's. I mean, it was the Reagan years, everyone was getting retarded...but over time, I developed a serious and problematic dependency on it. Eventually, I came to a point where I realized I didn't even understand my own bullshit anymore. That's how retarded I am."

Beck did not offer an apology during the disjointed, 40 minute rant with many glaring omissions and ranged from torrential sobs to racial epithets, however he did accept responsibility for his actions stating that "This is no one's problem but my own, I've got to pull myself up by the boot straps and tackle this thing head on." Beck is slated to check into a five-star, resort-style, intellectual abuse clinic in Colorado later this week, where he will reportedly undergo intensive therapy to help him reconcile problems with subjective validation, projection, and victim-hood. He will also be enjoying the all-you-can-eat gourmet buffet, clay tennis courts, and a shit-ton of fancy pills you couldn't afford. Beck said he also plans to renew his faith in Christ, with hopes that hiding behind self-righteous, superstitious, rhetoric will effectively negate his own egregious idiocy by comparison.

Beck's wife and children demonstrated their support by standing by his side during the speech, staring blankly and breathing through their mouths, occasionally faltering around their nostrils in an apparent attempt to pick their noses. Reaction from his peers has been varied. Some are claiming Beck is unfairly consuming oxygen from humans who deserve it more then he does, while others are proudly touting him as the 'mouthpiece of the moron' and calling him the 'greatest American hero in the last 500 years', commending his bravery to make a public acknowledgment and seek help. Beck plans to return to the airwaves after his vacation.