INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE

There is a new sleeping sensation raging like wild fire through California upper class socialites. California has always been known as the pioneers for the practical application of wondrous devices that better health and well fare. Well they’ve done it again. The Placenta, is now offering the best nights sleep that 10,000,000 dollars can buy. “You’ll feel reborn every morning,” said one ecstatic owner.

The Placenta closely simulates the most peaceful time for all of us in our lifetime, being in utero. The system consists of a large sleeping cell made from the inner lining of cows’ second stomachs. “The second stomach is used to cradle the corn feed as it moves from the first stomach to the third stomach. It is a very nurturing stomach by nature.” The creator told us. The sleeping cell is than filled with 30 gallons of warm saline solution. The temperature of the solution is maintained by recycling your own body heat. It’s quite ingenious.

As you tuck yourself into the sac, a hose is attached to your face via a super comfortable mask and headset apparatus. Lovingly referred to as the Lobotomizer, it serves multiple functions. First off, the headset will fill your ears with all the sounds you would recognize from your pre-birth days. You will hear the gurgle of your mother stomach as she craves for peanut butter covered pickles. You will hear a constant heart beat totally in sync with your own. You will hear your mother’s voice as she curses the poor sap she thinks may have knocked her up.

The mask portion of the Lobotomizer handles the feeding and breathing during your nights rest. A feeding tube is inserted directly down your throat with the assist of topical muscle relaxing agents that are excreted from the hose’s outer lining. “ It’s really quite technical,” one specialist told us. “ It mainly comes down to a little medication and a healthy dollop of lubricant and it slides right down.”

There is also a timer set on the side of The Placenta that will wake you at your desired time. They call this an “Alarm”. It’s important that you set the “Alarm” because you could easily sleep away months at a time. There is nothing on the market even close to comparison that brings you the results that The Placenta offers you. To get this kind of rest, you would basically have to climb back on through your mother’s vagina and nuzzle up in her womb. It’s fantastic. J.B.