FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
Installment #1:
with sethisdelirious

Hello reader! You're looking great today. And i'm not just saying that. I can see you through that web cam you installed last Tuesday. Yes, it's two way...but don't worry, i wasn't watching when you were furiously masturbating for forty-five minutes to Barbara Streisand videos on youtube last night. No judgment here.

Alright its time for tip #1 for Feeling Better About Yourself. The first thing that you'll need to do is be 'randomly selected' for jury duty. Its sort of like winning a lottery that you never entered, only instead of winning money you get to bathe in the misery of your fellow citizens.

Yes, you who can't choose between the Cheesy-Chaluppa Value Meal and the many options of the dollar menu, will now be granted the full power of the state to incarcerate or exonerate some poor unfortunate/hideous beast of a human being. With no schooling or prerequisite legal training whatsoever! Just bring your corn-syrup saturated brain and a whole lot of patience and get ready for the ride of your life.

As we get started, you will first be introduced to your fellow jurors. They will consist of representatives from all walks of life including, but not limited to: unemployed construction worker, unemployed car salesman, middle-school gym teacher, unemployed newspaper worker, self-righteous pastor, customer service rep, and many more. All will appear to have been beaten down by and dragged face first over the gravely road of life. The overall feeling of joy that you will experience by looking at these dreary, withered expressions for day/weeks upon end may be overwhelming at first. These people look nothing like the beautiful plastic people on the television! Instantly you will feel your self-confidence soar. It looks like you can cancel Saturday night's scheduled self-loathing marathon, because, as it turns out, the general population seems to consist mainly of marshmallow shaped, balding, vacant-eyed, middle-aged zombies, and those are just the women.

See you next time, when we'll explore how being trapped in a closet sized room with 13 of these fine folks for 4 to 5 hours per day will give you a whole new reason to jump out of bed in the morning!