STUDY SHOWS ALCOHOLISM HELPS DRINKERS FORGET ABOUT MISERABLE LIVES

New research has shown that individuals who consume between 4 and 7 alcoholic beverages a day, or over 25 in a week are 60% more likely to be able to cope with their problems. In a recent study, scientists at the John Walker institute analyzed scale-based questionnaires from a group of 1,000 participants-half of whom used alcohol regularly, and the other half that did not drink at all.

The survey focused on areas cognitive appraisal, emotional involvement, and disposition. The responses displayed trends that indicate drinkers have an advantage at absorbing life's hardships-putting drinkers ahead of the ball when it comes to being able to just say "Fuck it.".

The results showed that those who drank the heaviest were less likely to be bogged down by the excruciating minutia of everyday existence, apparently more gregarious and lighthearted without a pretentious obsession with consciousness. Those who did not drink were shown to always be doing things, exercised more interest in their present and future situations, and rationalized the requirement for celebration.

A sample analysis of the study group revealed how the evidence compared. Debra Bagwell, a 48 year old unemployed participant in the study says she agreed to fill out the questionnaire because she thought it would be a good way to score a few bucks for the night, but neglected to complete or return the survey forms. This produced a default result in the analysis, indicating that Bagwell was competent in areas of stress management.

Roger Marcott, a 35 year old salesman, says he joined the study to help alcoholics like his father, who he blames alcohol for exacerbating his shortcomings as a parent. However the results of the study effectively countered Marcott's suppositions by showing that his father was actually skilled at blocking out stress factors, while Marcott himself is still wound up about shit that happened 25 years ago.

Currently only 2 out of 5 five doctors recommend using alcohol though, most still suggesting a combination of Zoloft and barbiturates will yield greater results. However this new testimony to inebriation is poised to be a game changer for those of us trying to cope.