Employers nationwide are grappling to understand what is causing unprecedented absenteeism Modays after Superbowl Sunday. This alarming trend has increased exponentially over the last 44 years, leaving scientists baffled."There has been a pretty serious stomach bug going around for the past 24 hours" says Terry Billups-General Manager of Porter Casting Inc., Indianapolis, IN. "I'm really concerned for the well being of my workforce." -that is largely comprised of men, ages 18-34.
In response to the situation, Billups has contracted EnviroTech Inc., a health and safety advisory company to perform a total inspection on the facility, as well as DynoSystems Inc., an external research firm, to conduct a thorough analysis of absenteeism patterns and employee morale.
Part of DynoSystems evaluation includes reviewing each recorded employee notification of absenteeism. Many sounded like this: "I don't thinks I'm going to be ables to make it [hiccup] in to, in to...uh work, tomorrow, [background noise] Tommy shut up! Uhh...I'm really kind of feeli...WHAT?! OH FUCK! Peyton you BITCH! Ahahhaha...[click]"
"As you can see, we're not really able to get much information from the recordings" said one DynoSystems analyst "All we are able to determine at this point, is that the illness appears to be nacho-related."
An allegation chief spoke person for the National Nacho Advisory Council (NNAC) Hector El Paso, is vehemently denying. "There is simply not enough information to substantiate these claims at this time. The well being of our loyal consumers is our number one priority, and as such, we will be launching a complete investigation of the matter."
In the meantime, nearly 40% of the nations young adult males are stricken with symptoms mimicking the after effects of excessive consumption of spiced sausage and terrible domestic beer, while employers are feeling the pinch of a decline in productivity. All are hopeful it will pass by Tuesday.
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