MAN SUBCONCIOUSLY SABOTAGES FIRST AND ONLY CHANCE OF EVER GETTING LAID

Thirty two year old Jeffrey Wiener, an admitted virgin, recounts numerous proclamations for his supposedly deliberate abstinence from sexual intercourse spanning decades.

With polished and elaborate excuses for never having successfully engaged in any actual sexual act with another human being, Wiener is somewhat of a bullshit artist, explaining that it is fundamentally wrong to physically express fondness or attraction to another without a deep mutual connection or the binding legal acknowledgment of society. Furthermore he asserts that he is smart, because he sustains a 0%  likelihood of reproduction or the proliferation of disease. He also refutes that he is gay.

Wiener does have a staunch record of heterosexuality, infallibly exhibited by his closet full of porn. His failings seem to be his general unattractiveness, mundane personality and a combination of stupidity, unforgivable bullshit, and acting like a big pussy.

Surely anyone can surmise that the laws of probability extend even to those who have very little chance int he first place, and when that opportunity arose Jeffrey Wiener fucking blew it.

Last Saturday evening, Wiener's downstairs neighbor Traci (with an i) Hooker, an ice cream -inhaling, downer popping, cat-hoarding, web cam humping, Wiccan poser, goth-skank recluse, was blasting some lame-ass heavy metal techno music. Wiener politely knocked on her door several times before Hooker flung it open with a wild far off look in her eyes.

"Hey." Hooker said, seemingly aloof.

"Would you mind turning that music down a bit? I'm um, trying to play World of Warcraft." Wiener hesitated as he noticed Hooker was wearing a tattered sheer black dress hastily draped over her hefty silhouette.

"Oh, sorry." she coyly chuckled. "I always play loud music when I study. I'm studying to be a massage therapist. In fact, I need a need a study partner. Could I give you a massage?" It was a clearly an intimate invitation, one Wiener lived up to his name by hastily rejecting.

"No I'm sorry. I cant. Two and a Half Men is on."

"Oh hahahha." Hooker quickly replied with an awful nervous laugh. "I love that show." adding an awkward pause. "Well you can watch it down here if you want while I give you a massage."

"Nah, no, I uh, I gotta do laundry and shit too. You know." Wiener said.

"Oh. Well, are you into tantric?" Hooker asked, assuming Wiener had to be the dumbest motherfucker on earth.

"Ugh, no that band sucks. Well, I gotta go. I'll see ya later." and he proceeded to turn around, leaving Hooker standing there stunned at this unprecedented turn of events.

One has to assume that Jeff is not this ignorant, and that he could not possibly have missed such obvious signals, and he didn't. As Wiener headed back to his apartment, he surreptitiously admitted to himself that he was intrigued by the pungent potpourri of cat piss and dank incense languishing in her dimly lit, perversely provocative dungeon themed apartment, and recalled that his one and only previous girlfriend was as smelly and repulsive as Hooker, but never put out. 

Wiener also questioned to himself if this was not some act of fate. Traci presumably suffered an anguish familiar to Wiener, having the unfortunate namesake 'Hooker', she could likely identify with sustaining years of unrelenting abuse. She seemed to be as big of a freaky loser as Wiener, and she was even willing to do the nasty with him. Wiener knew the odds of all these conditions being met were nil, and this was in reality, a match made in heaven. If he wasn't such a big chickenshit, he would have done something about it.