HALLOWEEN IS MAN'S PERSONAL NIGHTMARE

McDonough's daughter

Fifty-two year old Mike McDonough hates Halloween. 

He recalls fond memories from his youth, but since lost touch with the excitement Halloween offers, and has now come to dread it. Clutching a mag-lite and brandishing a scowl, he explains why.

"Oh my god, this has got to be the fucking stupidest 'holiday' ever invented. I mean, why...WHY do we tell our kids to never take candy from strangers, yet its universally promoted on Halloween? What kind of pervert is behind this?...and you think it stops when they grow up? Oh no, no no, it gets worse. Right now my daughter is upstairs getting dressed up like a Playboy bunny and heading directly downtown to get drunk and parade her bare ass all over the city. Holiday? Yeah, right. Don't give me that horseshit." Complains McDonough, lamenting his recurring nightmare.

"Worst of all, we live in a plat, so I got asshole parents from every shitty corner of the state driving their little asshole kids to my neighborhood. There's an army of eight-year-olds outside taunting my dog."

"Do you know how much candy we have to buy? Like, $120 dollars worth. What kind of shit is that? ...and God forbid we run out because then I'll be power washing cemented egg residue off of my new vinyl siding all weekend, not that they wont vandalize my property anyway. Last year they threw a fucking corn stalk through our living room window. Those things are like a fucking javelin. You think insurance covers that? Well guess what? It doesn't."

"Halloween is scary. Oh Christ, I am hiding in the basement until this is over."