GUY BUYS GIRL $15 APPLETINI

Twenty five year old Brett Baumann attended a local night club with his friends Friday night, eager to get drunk and meet women. Upon arriving, he spotted an attractive young woman sitting alone at the bar, immediately approached her, and confidently offered to buy her a drink.

Baumann foolishly neglected to limit the offer to a reasonable purchase, such as a beer, and instantly realized his mistake when he noticed the bartender smirk.

The woman paused, as if mulling over the proposition, and might actually consider passing up on such an offer. Trying not to appear greedy, she sweetly smiled and replied "Sure. Why not?" She then abruptly turned to the bartender and ordered a $15 Appletini. Baumann pretended he was unfazed by this startling turn of events, and coolly peeled off a twenty dollar bill like he did it all the time, and it was no big deal that this chick was totally taking him for a ride right now.

Still Baumann remained poised in the face of adversity, and attempted to execute a power play by instructing the bartender to keep the change, ignoring the fact that this bastard totally snickered at him when he knew Baumann was about to get hustled. That's a five dollar tip. That's like a 33% tip. What the fuck?

"I mean, if your ship isn't coming in, you're gonna have to row out and meet it." Said Baumann, "In for a penny, in for a pound is what I always say..." Baumann's friends deny that he has ever said either of those two things before, and insist that they would likely kick his ass if he did.

Nevertheless, Baumann's candid corny cliches were fitting for his self imposed predicament. Determined to maximize the potential of the fleeting opportunity, he estimated that $20 drink had purchased him as many seconds to conjure up some cordial conversation, that in his imagination, could hopefully only conclude with an unfettered frenzy of gleeful congress at some point before the evening was over.

His aspirations were quickly diminished when the woman's apparent boyfriend returned from the men's room, sat next to her, and asked "Who's this fucking asshole?" Now paralyzed with rage, fear, and rejection, Baumann's facial expression froze in a sort of 'I'm not going to cry smile' and his eyes glazed over as he turned his entire body in tragic disbelief and walked away.

Baumann's friends teased him, but understood his pain and consoled him by buying him a beer. After the shock wore off, he began to regain his composure and reminded himself that he managed to get farther than any of his friends did, and that guy who called him an asshole may have been right, but at least he wasn't stuck with that whore.

Now half drunk and virtually impervious to shame, Baumann regrouped and altered his strategy, targeting women he was certain were not there with their boyfriend. "In any group of women, there's typically one who is fat, ugly, driving, and wants to go home." Baumann said, seeking to exploit such vulnerabilities to his advantage and ensure a better chance of success.

Brett Baumann did end up being successful that night, if you really want to call it that, and chalked up his losses to poor judgment while crediting the experience as an expensive lesson.