TEN 'MUST HAVES' WOMEN WANT IN MEN

Casual Observers correspondent Siobhan Smith candidly divulges the ten essential characteristics women seek in men.

1) You'd better have all your hair. None of this comb-over, greasy scalp, receding hairline bullshit. No shaved heads to hide your baldness, you're not fooling anyone. No hair plugs, no Rogaine. We want rich, thick hair to run our fingers through. If you don't have a natural head of full hair, fuck off and die.

2) You'd better be 6 foot or taller. No work boots with two inch thick soles to add to your height, either. If you're under 6 feet tall, goodbye Tom Cruise, you wee little excuse for a man.

3) Speaking of size, if you have a five inch dick, don't even look at us. If you have a six inch dick, don't even talk to us. You need to have an eight inch or larger. If you have a seven-incher, we may let you fuck us, but we will laugh about you behind your back and tell all our friends how pathetic you are. We will demonstrate your tiny size by holding our pinky finger in the air and waving it around.

4) Man-scaping is not optional. Those balls better be shaved, bitch. Don't come at us with some furry nutsack expecting a blow job. If you've got a gorilla in your underwear, keep that beast locked up. Gross. No girls want to smell your ball cheese fermenting in all that hair.

5) You'd better have a job, and not one that requires you to wear a visor and name tag to work everyday. If "How may I help you?" is a part of your job requirement, hang yourself. No woman will ever love you. Even if you do get a woman to date you, you will be an embarrassment, and source of shame for her.

6) If you cannot employ proper grammar, and do not know the difference between your and you're, go enroll in an ESL class with the Mexicans and learn your own language, chump. You must speak proper English, and should know what prepositional phrases and double negatives are. If you don't, go find a Guatemalan chick to hang out with your dumb ass. You'll probably get a few months with her before she finds out you're fucking stupid, and leaves you for a black guy with a bigger dick.

7) If you've got a gut or dick do disease (your stomach sticks out further than your dick do) that protrudes over your Wrangler jeans by more than an inch, you're a fat fucking slob. If your navel is distended enough to put a Budweiser can in it, you're revolting. Maybe you can find a dirty fag to fuck you in the dark, but no woman wants you.

8) If you don't drive, or don't have a car, hang your head in shame. No woman is going to waste her time with man who rides the city bus, a 10 speed Huffy, or that she has to pick up in her car. Furthermore, if you drive a Saturn, a Kia, a Hyundai, or a Ford, you have no taste and you're a generic, mindless sheep that smells like cheap. No woman wants to ride shotgun is any of these cars. If she saw anyone she knew, she'd have to duck down in horror of being recognized traveling in one of these shit boxes.

9) If you have meat mittens that pass for hands, use them to wave goodbye as you walk away from us. No woman wants some scratchy, leathery, mangled, dirty fingernail motherfucker feeling her up with those nasty paws. Likewise, just who do you think you are in those sandals? Jesus? Unless you're walking on water to fetch us a glass of wine, put some god damned shoes on, you dirty hippie. Women have never swooned over some douchebag's hairy, fucked-up toes. Keep those nails trimmed, and out of sight, Sasquatch.

10) Last, but not least, if you are in any way disabled, lame, or crippled, stay far, far away. At least 100 feet away. This means no muscular dystrophy, no bum leg, no pigeon arm, no missing fingers-tips included, no cerebral palsy, not wheelchair bound, no prosthetic limbs, no back braces, no dentures, no glass eyes, no cock implants, no hearing aids, no fat. In short, if you are not a healthy man full of vim and vigor, you're worthless. Women want a man who can throw a hump into her without pausing for a break to catch his breath every 30 seconds. Get us off right, or get the fuck out.

***BONUS*** 11) You'd better be able to lick it and lick it right. If you ain't licking it good and proper, we don't want you, we don't need you. Don't even think about going downtown with your lazy ass tongue laying around like the useless piece of meat that your dick is. Don't slobber all over our puss, either. Seriously, if you got your pussy licking ideas or skills from a porn movie, you should be ashamed of yourself. It isn't a one size fits all deal, all women like it done differently. Deal with it. Adapt your skills accordingly.

Additionally, if your idea of fucking is based upon porn movies, you need an intervention. I feel bad for any woman who has suffered underneath you while her puss goes numb with your boring thrusting. She was probably making her grocery list while you pumped away obliviously. Next time, just do the poor girl a favor and put a bag over your cock and let her sit on your face. If you meet the criteria of one through ten, but you can't fuck, you are a bitter disappointment to women everywhere.