GUY IN HUMVEE IS BIG ASSHOLE

If you are one of the thousands of road weary soldiers who have the daunting daily task of traversing Rhode Island's main artery, route 95, you know first hand what motivates a priest to keep a crossbow in his trunk.

Chances are, you also know this vehicle. Surely it's lessee would secretly feel slighted if it were to go unnoticed. The Hulkish, verdant day-glow and raw muscle is adorned with custom glass rims and a sticker of something peeing on something else...but looks aren't its only quality.

The driver is more aggressive than ostentatious, and if you were rude enough to deny acknowledgment to this mobile eyesore, then it behooves you to drive defensively because this cocksucker will totally ride your ass for 5 miles, quickly move at the first opportunity to pass you, cut you off-and then slam on his breaks. Its happened to you.

With a pump to pavement ratio of 50/50, its just as likely you'll find him [RI registration 80851] at the gas station, as you will on the highway. I pine for the day my eyes can feast on the irony that I imagine comprises this vacuous animated corpse. I envision a fabulous Johnstonian wigger, sporting a pencil thin douche-bag beard and a wind tunnel temp with frosted tips, fist bumping to techno interspersed with the hottest John Mayer tracks...

Be weary, should you muster the indignation to confront this alien, for as you draw near your olfactory will be enchanted by the haunting essence of Gucci and man-love. Your soul will be warmed by his bronze visage, your heart captured by his Jesus bling.

And if your rage manages to overpower these impregnable defenses, prepare yourself to carry out your fantasized onslaught with unrelenting brutality.

On his third cycle of roids and wielding retard strength, he is either on his way to, or coming back from the gym. And someone who advertises their insecurity with unconscionable pride is as dangerous in person as they are on the road.